Friday, September 14, 2012

I had a bad moment today.

Just so you know... this is going to be a wine-fueled rant.  Get ready.

I'm a weird place, and I'm going to attempt to work out my issues here. Somehow, I feel that I'm going to be unsuccessful in that task. I feel like I'm dying. I feel like my life as I know it is ending and I'll magically be reborn in Alaska in a few weeks. Like a newborn, I have NO idea what the hell is about to happen to me, and it scary and comforting at the same time.

I moved away from Texas in 2004. I was 23, and I naively thought I'd stay in touch with my best friends there forever. That didn't really happen. I'm BARELY in touch with my closest of Texas friends now. For a while, it was an unimaginable to me that I'd go months without talking to these people, and here we are... a year or more without contact.

I'm terrified that this same thing will happen to me and my closest Boston friends. I'm excited for all of the new opportunities that will present themselves in Juneau, but at the same time, I'm going to be leaving behind valuable friendships that may or may not sustain themselves once I've moved away.

I had a bad moment today. I got so upset with myself.  Without revealing too much because this particular person will likely read this post, I will tell you this: There's a person at work that I've been interacting with more lately who I really adore and want to know better. Well, I've been taking a particular route to and from the bathroom lately to give me a better chance at seeing this person (and other fantastic folks from school for that matter). Well, I was walking through the lobby - again... on purpose to INTERACT... and there he was. Duuuh.. hello... and I kept on walking. I was SO mad 20 seconds later when I arrived back in my office. I've got to take total advantage of every opportunity from here on out! There's no time to fuck around! All I want is to spend time with the people I find interesting, and all I can do when I see them is panic and keep walking? WTF! Not cool. Well, my good friend, John, walked into my office shortly afterwards, and he immediately noticed my demeanor. He closed my office door and became Super Friend for the next 15 minutes. John said the nicest thing to me- he said he doesn't want to see me sitting behind my desk anymore. On the surface, that seems like something harsh to say, but it's not. It's the sweetest thing- he wants me to NOT have an office job at The Boston Conservatory. Like my boss, Karl, they want me to spend my days hiking, digging, working, hauling... whatever... just not stroking the egos of piano faculty.

Related- I'm starting to having this funny effect on people at work. Because everyone knows I'm leaving (with plenty of notice and on good terms and I'm fun), people have started opening up to me. It's hysterical. Not that this is something to be proud of, but I'm one hub of the rumor mill around this small community. In general,  I know the dirt. The school I work at has its problems... like any institution. We're not special. I spent good chunk of my day is chatting with folks about BoCo politics... which I enjoyed immensely.

Confess to me, your sins, brother.  Your secrets are safe with me.

Maybe.

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